A Woman’s POV: Why You’re Not Getting Laid
I’ve come to the conclusion that men are basically just a bunch of big dorks who want to get laid. And for the most part there is nothing wrong with this, because believe it or not, women like sex too. Although, for women getting laid is a much easier task. It can be as simple as having a vagina and low self esteem. For men, approaching women and that initial meet and greet is often lost in translation.
I’m not saying that it is necessarily the man’s fault for screwing up his chances, but there are some mistakes that can be avoided.
After numerous conversations with a handful of my female friends and acquaintances about their experiences with men trying to ‘holla’, in addition to my own, I put together a list that might be helpful.
Here are some memorable mistakes men make when trying to approach women…
Cheesy lines: Unless she’s a hooker and you’ve got cash, a cheesy pick up line will not get you laid. Quite the opposite in fact.
Comments like, “Girl, I would keep you pregnant,” and “You’re thicker than Bubblicious Bubble Gum,” are just creepy and you should brace yourself for a cold beverage up your nose. Also telling a woman, “Damn you look all succulent like you just gave birth and shit,” is deserving of some good long and hard side eye.
Fellas if you do chose to attempt the pick up line route, be original, charming and don’t come off as if you’ve already got your dick in your hand and she’s agreed to whatever you have in store.
And no, “Damn baby you got some big ass titties. What’s up? Let me get your number,” is not the type of authenticity we’re looking for. For the record, all of these lines have been attempted by other men and to my knowledge none of them have been successful.
Admiring her bodywork: Yelling out to a woman, “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMN, THAT ASS!!!” is inappropriate and if she does like it, she will definitely not let you know.
If a woman has a phat ass, I’m pretty sure she is aware. Please refrain from reminding her by yelling it out the side of your car or a bus for that matter.
Don’t get me wrong, women love to be complimented. And shoes. Shoes and compliments. I digress, stop yelling, buy her a cocktail and draw attention to any of her features you like that do not give you a boner.
Karate breath: I can’t stress enough how important hygiene is. This includes, dirt under the finger nails, dusty tennis shoes and smelling so musty others feel the need to take a shower just being in your presence. And check your breath.
If a man is trying to hit on me, but his breath is so bad I breathe it in and get a stomach ache, Houston we have so many problems.
The dirty work: Sending one of your friends to come over and talk to us is lame.
If you’re over the age of twelve, unless your legs are broken, you can walk over and make fool of yourself on your own. Yes we will be judging and dissecting you with our eyes while you introduce yourself, but with enough liquid courage anything is possible.
Look, don’t touch: Fellas, premature physical contact to us woman is equivalent to premature ejaculation.
If she is a stranger it is probably in your best interest not to rub your dick on, in or around any part of her body when while introducing yourself.
I’m sure the temptation is there to come up from behind her and stick your dick in the crack of her ass while you ask her for her name and number. However, it is probably in your best interest not to act on this intuition or you might be receiving a karate chop to the side of the neck and a restraining order.
Other physical contact that may receive a negative reaction is spit, an arm grab and yes staring at her boobs until they give you a boner also counts as inappropriate touching. Your best bet is looking into her eyes, offering a handshake and introducing yourself.
Another case of the, “Don’t I know you?s”: We know you don’t know us, we’ve never met and you’re just using , “Don’t I know you from somewhere,” as an excuse to talk to us.
Save yourself the embarrassment and skip that part. Other bad conversation starters: “I’m horny”, or anything having to do with anal, your penis, your last bowel movement etc.
Being a typical man: If a woman told a man the key to rubbing her boobs and a consistent blow job was a lifetime supply of shoes, she would be set.
If a man told a woman something along those lines he would probably just get a slap in the face. We get it. It is simply in a man’s nature to behave the way you do sometimes. So we’ll cut you some slack.