A Meticulous Over-Analysis Of Today’s Most Popular Music

Just what the hell is wrong with the music industry these days? Every time you turn on your favorite radio station (like anyone listens to radio anymore), you’re bombarded with more shit than a toilet bowl on a severe diarrhea day. You can easily change the channel or better yet, turn it off, but you then find yourself at a traffic light where some HIP and X-TREME teenager next to you furiously bangs his head to some generic, over-the-top, vapid music and you’re thinking:

“Hey, generic, over-the-top, vapid teenager! How about my foot up your ass. Do we have a date?”

Black Eyed Peas – I gotta feeling

The incredibly clever named and unnecessary punctuation mark expert WILL.I.AM has come up yet again with a song so repetitive it makes you want to chug bleach. The whole premise of the song seems to be that “tonight’s gonna be a good night”, or in some cases a “good, good night”. So poetic!

He then goes on to tell us to “do it” about a gazillion million times. How about this. Next time you want to headbang to your own goddamn songs and “do it”, please have the decency to “do it” 3 inches from a wall and save humanity from your retarded lyrics.

This dude’s always talking about bringing music to a new level, but what he doesn’t mention is that his idea of a new level is located somewhere between “I’ll only listen to it once” and “Meh!”

Fergie – Everything she’s ever written

Being an important member of the aforementioned band – and by important member I mean Fergie being comparable to a shoelace on some background dancers dancing shoes (Consonance, fuck yea!) – she passionately sang about lady lumps and valiantly refused to go see a doctor about said lumps, but that’s Black Eyed Peas and I’m losing my train of thought here.

Straight off the bat, let me say that I consider making fun of transsexuals immoral and irresponsible. Music wise, all Fergie does in her OWN songs (that reek of WILL.HE.IS’s lyrical prowess, by the way) is talk about her success, her money, her shoe fetish, her being a lady aaaaaaand the London Bridge.

We wouldn’t want a talent like her to suddenly disappear now, would we? Where in all the other rap/pop/generic songs in the world would we hear about champagne on a jet plane or ho slappin’ and bust cappin’ or things that 99% of the population will never ever do, and considering the facts, it’s probably for the best that they don’t do in the first place.

Lady Gaga – Alejandro

Where do I begin? How about 2:15 minutes in. That’s how long it takes for the song to actually start. By this point I’m thinking: “What the hell is this? The sequel to 300?”

Snow gently falling in a rhythmic pattern, people marching around in a goose-stepping fashion and Lady Gaga strangely sporting a Russian accent for absolutely no fucking reason other than thinking: “Hey they have snow in Russia too. Let’s do a Russian accent, yes?” and then starting to sing about some Spanish guy, because we all know that they are the typical lover type and all of this is somehow not superficial at all.

Knowing of Lady Gaga’s excentric past music videos , I say, fuck it! and move on. However, my right eye starts jerking in a spasmodic manner and I fill up with unbearable pain, much like my pee hose getting caught in my zipper. I rush back to the beginning of the video and lo and behold, men in high heels and fishnets…

Am I the only one that thinks this is wrong on so many levels. I’d like to believe these men are straight, although I’m pretty sure men of the homosexual type wouldn’t wear high heels. [citation needed]

Skip back past the 2:15 mark, and it’s the same generic crap we’ve got used to. Lady Gaga ironically calling out names of the men she wishes they don’t call her name back like a game of Marco Polo, but with song and dancing. Why are we supposed to care? Just because it sounds catchy?

There’s so much stupidity in this video. You’ve got a religious motif intertwined with men in high heels abusing Lady Gaga and Lady Gaga abusing men in high heels, “Ale Ale Alejandro” repetition till your ears fucking bleed and what do you know, Lady Gaga being the center of attention where everybody on the set is trying to express their scripted feelings towards her. I’m actually surprised we don’t see camera guys, producers, directors or some hobo getting in on the action. And what the hell is up with the steampunk glasses?

I expected more from The Gaga, seeing as she is capable of singing and playing piano, but then she goes on to play piano with her feet and it all goes to shit. I’m quite curious to see what happens next in her career, like maybe, swapping repetitive hammer to the brain lyrical music for some other generic but less suckier music and becoming a self proclaimed diva, and being all serious and respected by her peers and pigs fly and Christina Aguilera.

You could say that I’m over analyzing it, or that that kind of music is for partying so I shouldn’t pay this much attention to the lyrics or the song and just have fun with it. I could agree with you there the same as a monkey could agree to stop flinging poo at people.

When the music you’re listening to suddenly becomes after you’ve drank yourself into a coma, then we have a problem. Even then I’m still worried about the soundwaves entering my ear canal without severe repercussions like drastically dropping my IQ to a level where I wouldn’t know the difference between a toothpick and a kitchen knife.

The thing is there are repetitive songs out there that are relatively acceptable for two reasons: they have funny/silly lyrics or they sound so retarded even their own creator don’t take them seriously.

El Mundo – Chacarron is the perfect example of this kind of music. Skip to 1:34 in the video and you can actually hear the singer laugh during recording. I know you secretly love its stupidity.

Now go watch it!