A Woman’s POV: Why You’re Not Getting Laid
May 3, 2010 by MsPuddin42 Comments
I’ve come to the conclusion that men are basically just a bunch of big dorks who want to get laid. And for the most part there is nothing wrong with this, because believe it or not, women like sex too. Although, for women getting laid is a much easier task. It can be as simple as having a vagina and low self esteem. For men, approaching women and that initial meet and greet is often lost in translation.
I’m not saying that it is necessarily the man’s fault for screwing up his chances, but there are some mistakes that can be avoided.
After numerous conversations with a handful of my female friends and acquaintances about their experiences with men trying to ‘holla’, in addition to my own, I put together a list that might be helpful.
Here are some memorable mistakes men make when trying to approach women…
Cheesy lines: Unless she’s a hooker and you’ve got cash, a cheesy pick up line will not get you laid. Quite the opposite in fact.
Comments like, “Girl, I would keep you pregnant,” and “You’re thicker than Bubblicious Bubble Gum,” are just creepy and you should brace yourself for a cold beverage up your nose. Also telling a woman, “Damn you look all succulent like you just gave birth and shit,” is deserving of some good long and hard side eye.
Fellas if you do chose to attempt the pick up line route, be original, charming and don’t come off as if you’ve already got your dick in your hand and she’s agreed to whatever you have in store.
And no, “Damn baby you got some big ass titties. What’s up? Let me get your number,” is not the type of authenticity we’re looking for. For the record, all of these lines have been attempted by other men and to my knowledge none of them have been successful.
Admiring her bodywork: Yelling out to a woman, “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMN, THAT ASS!!!” is inappropriate and if she does like it, she will definitely not let you know.
If a woman has a phat ass, I’m pretty sure she is aware. Please refrain from reminding her by yelling it out the side of your car or a bus for that matter.
Don’t get me wrong, women love to be complimented. And shoes. Shoes and compliments. I digress, stop yelling, buy her a cocktail and draw attention to any of her features you like that do not give you a boner.
Karate breath: I can’t stress enough how important hygiene is. This includes, dirt under the finger nails, dusty tennis shoes and smelling so musty others feel the need to take a shower just being in your presence. And check your breath.
If a man is trying to hit on me, but his breath is so bad I breathe it in and get a stomach ache, Houston we have so many problems.
The dirty work: Sending one of your friends to come over and talk to us is lame.
If you’re over the age of twelve, unless your legs are broken, you can walk over and make fool of yourself on your own. Yes we will be judging and dissecting you with our eyes while you introduce yourself, but with enough liquid courage anything is possible.
Look, don’t touch: Fellas, premature physical contact to us woman is equivalent to premature ejaculation.
If she is a stranger it is probably in your best interest not to rub your dick on, in or around any part of her body when while introducing yourself.
I’m sure the temptation is there to come up from behind her and stick your dick in the crack of her ass while you ask her for her name and number. However, it is probably in your best interest not to act on this intuition or you might be receiving a karate chop to the side of the neck and a restraining order.
Other physical contact that may receive a negative reaction is spit, an arm grab and yes staring at her boobs until they give you a boner also counts as inappropriate touching. Your best bet is looking into her eyes, offering a handshake and introducing yourself.
Good luck.
Another case of the, “Don’t I know you?s”: We know you don’t know us, we’ve never met and you’re just using , “Don’t I know you from somewhere,” as an excuse to talk to us.
Save yourself the embarrassment and skip that part. Other bad conversation starters: “I’m horny”, or anything having to do with anal, your penis, your last bowel movement etc.
Being a typical man: If a woman told a man the key to rubbing her boobs and a consistent blow job was a lifetime supply of shoes, she would be set.
If a man told a woman something along those lines he would probably just get a slap in the face. We get it. It is simply in a man’s nature to behave the way you do sometimes. So we’ll cut you some slack.
We are happy to publish the second editorial by our friend MsPuddin. She’s young, beautiful and outgoing with a very unique style and she wants to prove against all odds that hot ex models can actually have brains too. Check out her blog. Read her other stuff on Standard Madness, follow her on Twitter, Facebook or hit our inbox.
© StandardMadness.com. All Rights Reserved.
these tips are common sense in my book. i just can’t believe that men out here don’t follow these rules. if they don’t i can see how they don’t get anywhere in the dating game. *shrug*
LMAO super common sense! Great job Ms. Puddin!
1. Be rich
2. Be attractive
3. Don’t be unattractive.
This is all pretentious bullcrap.
You all shutdown nice honest guys, for drunk bad boys who will use you and make you feel kinky for some misguided mass media hysterical reason.
The worst guys find their way to good girls because alcohol screws with your ability to make a decent judgement.
And stop expecting us to always come up and talk to you, all this hyped up bullcrap to avoid creeps has made us nice guys avoid even trying at bars, next time you see a nice guy flash you a smile, try talking to him for once.
All this guide to this or that is just making it harder for good people to hookup.
Moral of this: Don’t go get hammered if you are lonely ladies, don’t expect a decent guy at a meat market bar and TALK TO GUYS, we aren’t all self-unaware meat heads who don’t care about offending someone.
/\ Two chaps looking to score with their ‘refreshing’ faux-incredulous wisdom.
I’ve always found that the optimum results come from spiking drinks.
Fussy
Just FYI, don’t get too specific with the compliments. Pretty much anything beyond ‘you look nice’ implies that you’ve been watching me and is creepy. Also, don’t ask us out while we’re at work. It makes us feel trapped, and it’s weird knowing that you know where we’ll be a majority of the time.
KB:
Yeah cause serious compliments must mean we watch you and are not just being poetically descriptive to not use the same old innocuous and bland word ‘nice’
Taking initiative must mean were creeps and you’ll end up in our freezer in pieces, yes its definitely fact. The Designated driver guy who can’t act like a goofball drunk is a freak and not bad boy enough for your media engineered sense of entitlement.
Remember guys, if you don’t do everything the way magazines and tv tells you, you’re a loser and will end up alone.
Also, I have a question for the ladies, where the hell are we supposed to meet the ones out of you that are into serious relationships and not just some alcohol fueled one night stand.
No matter what the scenario nowaddays I find it impossible to find someone into something serious who isn’t high on this bullcrap ethical slut polygamus double standard sleeping with multiple guys, expecting us to be communicative meanwhile being complete hypocrites.
Take your chickenheaded baggage and shove-it, you don’t want respect you want kinks and deadbeats or you’re ‘bored’ somehow.
Ya seriously, the creep alert thing is too much. One ill-advised question and you judge us without prejudice.
Thank you handful of creeps who have ruined it for the rest of us who actually try and respect women rather than possess or use them.
What woman is named Ted? The tips are everywhere and convey double meaning so it might be a woman writing it.
This article just proves that women are horrible people and not worth anyone’s time. Consider becoming gay instead.
In all I would say this article did little to offer any normal man any worthwhile information. Superb job of making men feel like idiots though.
OMG I must have the “Friend Request DENIED” T-Shirt. Where to get??
Tina
http://www.whos-logging.se.tc
This list is what the average woman wants to believe she responds to/doesn’t respond to.
I have NEVER, and I mean absolutely NEVER made any of the mistakes you have listed here. Not even once. I can tell you that 99.9% of women will reject a well dressed 6’6 man that uses no pickup lines who is completely respectful.
From experience women respond the same to respectful men and disrespectful men. It does not matter what he does or says, the woman has decided based on looks alone if she wants to bed him before he approaches her.
Every other reason to reject a man is an excuse concocted by the woman to feel less slutty about her base sexual responses. My wife concurs. I was not a failure in attracting women, I just found that clubs/bars/pubs/dating services were all trash ways to meet great women. Maybe it was a great way to meet trash women… who knows?
If a guy uses lines as bad as those on a woman, chances are he’s not actually interested in her and is just goofing off in front of his friends. Of course there’s always that off chance that it works. So really it’s a win win situation for him regardless of how rude it actually is.
As dense as I am yes, this is all common sense.
But you’ve seen the internet. There are always faaaaaaaaar stupider people out there.
Ugh. You’re trying to be funny and witty, but you are not. This list fails to be entertaining and it fails to be informative as well.
Wow, so no real advice for good guys, just an arbitrary list of what a few women don’t like sometimes. And that’s the thing, much of this stuff is actually acceptable under the right circumstances. It’s just that depending on the context (ie how much they are interested in the guys) women seem to pick and choose what rules apply on the spot (and they believe you should obviously pick up on which rules are in play or you are an idiot).
MSpudding, you’re an idiot.
Women in bars are easily as shallow as men. Men just don’t hide behind a fake veil of superiority.
Yeah, you got the goods and no man in the room is going to get to touch you, till some good looking guy walks in and your panties hit the floor.
In the bar, fact is, you will eye-fuck the good looking guys and if they approach you, you’re as good as in bed with him. He could use all the cheesy lines, compliment your ass, brush his dong with your ass crack and boom, bedroom time.
instead of writing an article attempting to reform the douchebags and assholes that sleaze around bars, why not write an article teachin’ the nicer guys a little game? god knows you girls love BS game, and god knows nice guys just don’t “get it”
this is pretty typical woman logic, trying to make a good sandwich out of bad meat. it’s always worth a chuckle when a bar fly asks “why can’t a meet a good guy? it’s like I attract assholes”. the answer is that there are nice guys all around you, all the time, you just don’t see them. you get stuck on fawning over the ‘asshole/douchebag’ archetype, thinking “he’ll change for me because I’m awesome”. who knows, maybe you are awesome… but he’s not. and if you’re trying to get some grade A beef, stop buying hams
Here’s some easy advice for success with women. Go up to her, ask her opinion of something meaningful, and then…just…listen.
I like how you think it’s ok to throw a drink in a someone’s face because you don’t like his pickup line.
That advice will make you her gay boyfriend and you will nver ever break free from that gay/safe/friends-only zone. What they say and what they do are not the same. The longer you delay the physical contact and your true intentions, the lower is the chance of you getting anywhere with her.
Don’t get fooled; she is just day-dreaming.
Not to sound like a prick but I find it hard to believe what a woman think is appropriate in order to pick them up. That’s like a fish explaining how to catch themselves to a fisherman. I’ve gotten women from saying “when this guy get here” and point at my junk and been told to f*&^ off by women when all I have offered was a simple “Hello”. Look at it this way, the moment a guy realizes that he never going to bat a 1.000 then it because like baseball. If you score a .300 life time you’re in good shape. The article isn’t terrible but most of the stuff explained deals with what you should be doing life in general. Why not write an article about how a woman has to DO ZERO work in the wooing process. Speaking of which? I’ll submit it..
I learned more from the comments than this stupid article… I want my 2 minds of life back-
What utter rubbish, here are a few REAL tips:
1. Become rich, I cannot stress this point enough, women are very shallow and if you are not rich it is game over.
2. Dress like a thug. Women say they want a well dressed man, this is a lie, go to any club and look around for the proof.
3. Sleep around as much as possible. Women only ever respect sleazy guys. Proof? A certain golfer.
4. Be abusive to her and/or a criminal. She honestly thinks she can reform you.
5. Women are racist, so being white is a big negative, try to stop doing that.
6. Do not watch any romantic movie and above all do not attempt to emulate one. This is a common mistake. If you do she will assume you are a wimp and will sleep with the nearest sporting team.
7. Be rich.
guys, why take so much offense?? these are things you all should know anyway. this article isnt saying you dont have a chance, it is saying you dont have a chance if you act and talk like a total lame-ass. and i am really sorry to say, but i deal with lines like these on a regular basis, even when i have my children with me walking down the street. i agree, it should maybe have more about what you SHOULD say and do. but think about it, those of you that have snotty and borderline sexist comments: you complain about not being able to meet women and then make yourself out to sound like a bitter and angry jackasses. maybe you just shouldnt try so hard. you cant say that women want too much and then turn around and say we are all bitches… that idea i s counterproductive.
oh, and no one said anything about having to be rich. with an attitude like that, no wonder you dont get dates. and furthermore, genuine compliments are totally different than ‘baby i love dat ass’ or whatever crap some guys have for word vomit.
What’s next week’s article, 5 Quick Tips For Tying Your Shoes?
YO, BITCH, YOU MUST WORK AT SUBWAY, CAUSE I’D TOTALLY HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!1
Never fails, guise, give it a try!
@Rachel: ive heard it all before. what you’re saying can’t possibly be true. why? because what all the guys here are saying is what we see on a daily basis. stop deluding yourself.
Guys the problem with listening to advice from ‘a woman’s perspective’ is that women act on instinct, not reason. Which is why what women SAY they want, and what they actually fall for, are two different things.
That being said, some of these poster’s need to stop their whining. Guys this ain’t rocket science. Women are attracted to CONFIDENCE. Seems like the criminals and douches get all the women? Its cause they’re CONFIDENT, and given the choice between them and your whiny ass, they’re going with the criminal. Lame lists like this one were written by women to the douches, not to you. They are attracted to the confidence, but hate everything else about the asshole. YOU’RE not on their radar screen at ALL, because while you’ve fulfilled all the above requirements, you don’t have requirement #1: CONFIDENCE.
So ‘Mr Nice Guy’ and all the rest, stop making it so easy for the criminals. Have some fucking confidence in yourself. Walk into the bar telling yourself you’re the shit and every woman in that place would be lucky to go home with you tonight. Then decide you’re NOT getting laid tonight, but just going to have fun. Then go have fun. Don’t care about the consequences. Treat the women the way you used to treat your younger sister and her friends. And guess what – not only will you get laid, you’ll get more women than the criminals cause you have already met all the above requirements as well.
Why all the rules? Can’t we all just have fun? The only thing you really gotta pay attention to is that you don’t smell bad. If you smell bad, nothing’s going to happen. Other than that, just be yourself. If you feel you’ve been ‘yourself’ but gotten nowhere, then it’s time to change venues.
And relax guys, if you’re at a bar no one expects to experience anything meaningful. If you approach a woman at a bar, we know most likely you just wanna get laid. We get it – We may be there for the same reason! And having a lot of money can be a lot of fun, if you (or I) have it, but it’s no prerequisite. In fact, spending nights together without spending tons of money (or any) are usually much more memorable
And here all along I thought it was because I was ugly!
Women love men that love them shelves.
If you want to have sex with women
a) Love yourself Love yourself Love yourself
b) Meet as many women as you can introduce yourself to everyone
c) Go for it
d) Listen to women pay attention to them
e) When you are on a date with women she is the only other person in the world.
f) tell her she is unique and the only one.
g) Have a condom.
h) If she tell you to do something that you do not want to do just say no with a big smile.
omega ) If you need to go to a big date and you are nervous drink chamomile not coffee before
zeta) If you have not done it for a long time pay a professional.
in summary Love yourself Love yourself Love yourself
@ Devi
well said.
WHEW! Man…Some of these fellows here sure are angry! I know I’m a month late but gentlemen…she only offered advice, tongue in cheek at that. Free yourself from your fantasy world of Star Craft (part deux coming soon!), staring at ur coworker for the past 5 months, and guilt-ridden late night masturbation. Try and speak to a woman with some confidence and dignity and you won’t have to worry about alcohol or horny jerks or driving your mom’s minivan on a date at 45. Then maybe, just maybe, you can get a quality handjob.
Absolutely hilarious and a healthy dose of common sense! Nice one!!