What men really want on Valentine’s Day
February 14, 2009 by Ted26 Comments
Isn’t everyone just sick and tired of all the crap going on around Valentine’s Day? Every year it seems like the same drill: a dozen long-stemmed red roses and a pricey box of chocolates that women get all misty-eyed over when mid-February rolls around each year. This is an international woman’s day all over. They expect us to put in the extra effort and try and make them happy. We’re not supposed to demand breakfast, play our video games or expect clean fucking laundry. What we’re ALLOWED to do is create a false sentiment of relationship security, make romance mandatory. Isn’t this supposed to be about couples, not solely about “them”?
I just went ahead and imagined how I’d like to be treated today. I should also mention that I’m in a very geeky phase right now, therefore this just might be a little biased.
10 AM.
Wake up alone in my warm bedroom. I can hear her in the kitchen and I can already smell the best breakfast I’ve had since our first morning-after. It’s bacon. She never allowed me to eat bacon before, because of my heart condition. But today it’s Valentine’s, she’s just proving she loves me !!!!
10.05 AM.
Get the Valentine’s Day blow job. The one when she doesn’t pump away on dick like it’s a chore. It is not a chore, IT IS A PRIVILEGE. You should be so lucky to have a dick standing up and say “Hi sweetie, Happy Valentine’s Day”.
11.00 AM.
Yes, I know I won’t last until 11.00 AM, but I decided she deserves an after-cuddle.
11.30 AM.
Go outside and find a clean car. And I don’t mean automated wash. I mean wand washed and waxed, interior all clean. Smell gone. None of her empty packs of smokes on the floor. No perfumes. No lipstick. No dog hair. On my way out I can hear her saying “Hey babe, I won’t call you because I know you don’t like me calling you 20 times a day, but if you’re not too busy with your friends, I’d like you to come home before 8 tonight, I might have a few surprises for you”.
11.30 AM – 7 PM
Hang out with my “loser friends” as she describes them. Debating topics of crucial importance: if Superman faced Luke Skywalker in battle, who’d win?; if we crash landed on a deserted island, which one of us we’d eat first and, of course, if there would be one last thing to do on earth, which would we choose between taking a dump and fucking charlize theron?
7.30 PM.
Arriving home slightly tipsy to find my gift:
My supper:
My treat:
this would do fine too:
8.30 PM – 11.55 PM
Have porn-like sex with her and her best friend who happens to look like this:
Now ladies, next time one of you asks me why I can’t commit to a long term, serious relationship, I’m gonna have to show you this. If you can pull this off for me, at least on Valentine’s Day, then I’m truly yours. Happy Valentine’s !
Also for the luckiest out there getting some of the stuff above from their better half, diamonds could make a great Valentines Day present for your wife.
© StandardMadness.com. All Rights Reserved.
“Have porn-like sex with her and her best friend who happens to look like this:”
Very true! =)
And let’s hear it for the guy that got our comment section deflowered hahaha
A steak and a BJ.
Isn’t it guys?
Oh jeez.
Well first, I’m sorry your wife/girlfriend is such a dumb ass. At least that is how you make her sound, then I have to wonder why the fuck you’re with her.
It seems you think all women are that way, but I digress.
Second, she must be really stupid to put up with an asshole that goes out, drinks and then drives home after wards. You sir, deserve the stupid award, and your woman deserves the stupid stereotypical award.
I’m so glad, that I’m not what men think all women are.
The last part would be enough for me, I don’t want to ask her for too much
@meme,
This article was only meant to describe a perfect day for a man. I’m sure he loves his other. But really, what woman would think to make lightsabers for her man, dress up as leia, and then have pornlike sex (lightsabers involved?!)
I, for one, salute you sir Ted, and applaud your article.
This shouldn’t only be practiced on Valentine’s Day…. It should occur at least twice a month. Men deserve this.
Meme:
>>I’m so glad, that I’m not what men think all women are.
And what would that be, attractive?
Double LOL at Anal Avenger
Actually, in Japan February 14th is sort of a male holiday. Women get the men in their lives chocolates to show either their appreciation or affections. March 13th is the day that men return the favor and buy women chocolates or lingerie to, again, either show their appreciation or affections.
While I agree Valentines day should be a joint effort in which both parties end up pleased as pie with their respective gifts/oral sex excursions, your article made no mention of what you did for your significant other. As a woman who spent a lot of time and effort on her boyfriend for Valentines (Hand-made gifts, dinner, beer, blow job) and got very little in return (Not even flowers. Seriously, how hard is it to spend $10 on a fucking bouquet?) I can imagine that the lady in your life isn’t going to be around for much longer.
Hah. Meme, get over yourself and see this article for what it is – an amusing geek’s fantasy. Get that stick out from up yer ass, there’s more to life than feminism.
And that is why they say men are pigs. What you just described was not a girlfriend, but a maid who also does sexual favors.
And, for the record, I don’t demand (or even expect) anything romantic for Valentine’s Day. I’d certainly like it, but only if it’s something he wants to do.
If i looked like that i’d do all that for my man!!!
Of course i would have paid someone else to clean the car, and dinner would definately be a takeaway but breakfast and sex – no problem.
And how many men are thoughful enough to leave you in peace all day on valentine’s instead of fawning over you like a love sick puppy!
Geek you may be but why shouldn’t men have their fantasises fulfilled once in a while?
[blockquote]Have porn-like sex with her and her best friend who happens to look like this. [/blockquote]
LOL~ I agreed with my full heart on that!
Whaaat, there are ‘girls’ answering here, what has happened to the internet/world..
No seriously, the most sane answer came from Donna -salutes-
Hell if my girl looked like that I’d put the world to her feet everyday in fear of loosing her, also if she ever did a day like that I’d marry her right away and buy the moon <.<
what I am trying to say is that the article is, of course, purely sarcastic and even though each and every male would enjoy that beyond measurements we’d never demand it
In the other direction, for females, it would be 20 Cosmopolitan guys with sweat on their muscular bodies gently massaging you, while another 20 of the same guys take out the trash and clean your house then have amazing sex with you till you fall asleep from exhaustion while they tell you how beautiful you look
Let me write that into an article
Why is it that women expect to be pampered but refuse to return the favor for men?
This is kinda fun, for those who don’t find themselves permanently lacking a sense of humor (Ahem, Meme.) I do tend to agree that men deserve at least a little of what they want occasionally, although I’ve countered for that by just not caring what women want, since they demand it all the time anyway.
The thing that gets to me is the fact that most of the people, men and women, that I meet these days seem to be stuck in childhood. Pointing fingers, bitching at each other, trying to see who’s going to come out on top in the “gimme,gimme” game. The weird “Star Wars” thing is a case in point. The best thing you can come up with is some Princess Leia teenage fanboy stroke-off dream? With lightsabers? Dude. Sad.
Shanna, “I don’t demand (or even expect) anything romantic for Valentine’s Day”‘. I guess your a lie a lot in your life, cause yeah you dont demand things (you just basically guilt trip your guy into doing things weather you think you do or not)
And as for your other part of your comment, “I’d certainly like it, but only if it’s something he wants to do”. this just proves it.
oh and i have been waiting for a blow job for abt 3 yrs and i hav’nt got it, even tho I, cook, clean, pet and walk her dog, give her flowers (on random days), gone down on her (till she wanted me to stop) and be nice to her mom!
what has a guy got to do!
leo whatever….
if she’s asking you to stop
you’re doing it wrong….
oh and you just lost the game
Pig.
I think it’s a good idea to treat men on valentine’s day as well as get treated. Of course I would make him his favorite breakfast and dress up like leia and stuff like that. I just would not oblige to the the threesome with my friend who might look like a porn star. sorry, I was never good at sharing
This was lulz… X3 Love the Leia costume.
On a serious note, Valentine’s day isn’t really about one person treating the other to all sorts of food and gifts and sexual favors that they don’t really care for. It’s about being together…as a couple.
Most women aren’t looking for a whole lot on V-day. You don’t NEED to do big, extravagant romantic gestures to make us feel loved. It’s not you’re money we’re after…but your time. We just want to spend some quality time with you and celebrate being in love. Even if it’s just watch a movie together, followed by some nice intimate sex. And honestly, I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.
This kind of stuff for your birthday? Absolutely. A birthday is all about YOU.
But V-day is about the “us” and the “us” deserves a little nurturing now and again.
Cheers.
as a woman, i find it fun to do crazy things for my man to surprise him and make him happy. it turns out that the more i do off the wall stuff for him, the more he does it to me,and it keeps our relationship healthy…
for his birthday this year, i made him bacon and fed it to him while giving him a blowjob, not because i’m “a maid who performs sexual favors” but because i knew he would love it and i dont mind doing stuff like that at all.
dont you think getting a dozen roses and a box of chocolates is A LOT less work than
making bacon, give a bj, clean the inside and outside of the car (which actually can take 3 hours depending on how big the car is, and how messy it is), getting left alone for 8 hours after doign that, have to buy a light saber (seriously??? a light saber??? on valentines???), make an what looks like expensive and diffeicult to make dinner, dress up as…idk what tht is? a fictional charecter? or super woman (i say she isnt fictional because all women are super!!!)
then have a pointless threesome with your best friend who looks like a porn star and deffinatly makes you look uglier and flatter…
and you say ‘I can’t commit to a long term, serious relationship, I’m gonna have to show you this. If you can pull this off for me, at least on Valentine’s Day, then I’m truly yours. Happy Valentine’s !’ but where are you doing anything for ur girlfriend.???
i mean she doesn’t want to spend 8 hours alone thinkin where the fuck will i find a light saber why does he even want them??? they are retarded!!!
while she cleans the house… well that isnt a gift… thats torture (but women have to go thru that anyways)