John Edward Interviews Osama: The Virgins Were A Lie!

You might have forgotten who John Edward is, now with all this Osama Bin Laden being all over the news thing. You might remember him as the biggest douche in the Universe or simply as the guy that apparently does no less than talk to dead people through the space time continuum. Yes, he has that ability. We’ve managed to pull him out of retirement and get him to do this highly exclusive interview with the late Osama Bin Laden. Prepare yourself – as there will be talk of virgins, afterlife, Saddam and hairy nether parts.

Here’s the transcript of this Q&A:

J.E.: Oh, God, thank God I finally caught you, people were starting to doubt me and that pisses me off. I pinged you like a bazillion times, but I kept getting the busy signal. Well, I guess to some extent, that’s understandable, you were probably busy unpacking and settling in.

O.B.L.: No, not really, not that much unpacking to do, to be honest. As you may know, I left in a pretty big hurry and didn’t really get a chance to pack much. All I have is my everyday camouflage bed sheet and now it’s got some holes in it too, I can honestly say I’m pretty bummed about that. You probably got the busy signal because apparently hell is all AT&T and their service is just as bad. It all figures, doesn’t it?

J.E.: I guess everybody out there is curious to know about the whole virgin situation. How did that work out? Were there exactly 72 as predicted? Were they really excited to finally shake the ‘virgin’ label with such a prominent personality as yourself?

O.B.L.: Oh shit dude, I don’t even wanna get into that. The virgins were a lie! Well, not in the sense that they don’t exist. I guess technically Allah has pretty much filled his end of the deal, but I’m telling you, we’re getting screwed. There are indeed 72 “virgins”, but I only got here like 4 days ago and I already itch all over the place and I’m not sure if my medical insurance came through so I don’t know what to say about that…

J.E.: So you’re disappointed.

O.B.L.: Oh yeah, I’m definitely being fucked over down here. My virgins are either old, fat or missing teeth a lot. And I’m pretty sure one of them was a dude in his Earth life. Reminded me of Abdul Ghani a bit, but I can’t say for certain. I’m like walking down here and they’re acting all like “Hey stud, looking for a date?”. Is that the attitude of a proper virgin? You tell me. And the pubes man, I can’t get over that. My beard’s got nothing on these women!

J.E.: Wow, bummer dude. What about your version on how you were found and killed? The U.S. are talking about impressive technology and great surveillance job.

O.B.L.: I can’t say I’m surprised, I was pretty sure they’re gonna take all the credit, but it was actually the Japanese that did it for them.

J.E.: Wow, so you’re saying that the Japanese intelligence agencies tipped U.S. off about your whereabouts?

O.B.L.: No, Sony did. When the PSN network tanked, I had just bought Portal 2 and I gotta tell you, I was pretty excited. Then one day, bang! No connection. How will my achievements ever update now, i asked myself. So I called Sony and complained. As days went by and nothing was being done, I got pretty angry and I had to call and tell them assholes who they’re dealing with. I was like: “Hey, Japanese dude, do you know who I am? Let me tell you, you have no idea how important I am. I am Osama fucking Bin Laden and someone best move their ass over here in Abbottabad and fix my fucking game. NOW!” I guess someone must have ratted me out…

J.E.: So what are your plans now that you’re in Hell? Any thoughts of revolution?

O.B.L.: Well, I’d be damned if I ever consider going against people again. I got myself a pretty sweet job over here as Satan’s personal counselor. Let me tell you, Saddam had a pretty shitty May First once I got here. We had a head to head and since no one could decide which one was more evil, we did a beard contest and of course, it comes as no surprise…

J.E.: Well, that doesn’t come as a surprise indeed, I guess Saddam’s really got nothing on you! Well, thank you so much Mr. Bin Laden, it was a pleasure!

O.B.L.: The pleasure is all mine and I’m sure I’ll see you way sooner than you think!

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