David Thorne Driving His Landlord Crazy
July 30, 2009 by Ted113 Comments
Does anyone remember David Thorne? The same David Thorne that drove his bank’s customer service rep to the edge of mental collapse with the “spider as payment email”, strikes again in this hilarious email exchange between him and his landlord:
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
David Thorne’s a freaking hero. Don’t forget to visit his site too.
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I love this guy! Who is he? I want to marry him.
David Thorne is one of the most creative writers online today. The seven legged spider email is gold but this one is hilarious. He is like a good natured maddox but more clever. There is more by David Thorne at his website: http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html
Lots of David Thorne’s articles http://www.27bslash6.com/carefactor.html
yeah where is he so i can film their sex tape P
this guy just emails himself…
ONG!! THAT WAS SO FUNNY!!!
When David’s finished with his wit and repartee…can I have it! The guy’s a legend!
fuking hilarious i laughed till my eye’s watered
i remember this david thorne had a whole lot more of such hilarious letters.
i’d like to see more posted up here.
Epic Win!!! XD
This is truly great! Forget Hemingway, forget kerouac….this guy is brilliant!
i dont know that he is a brilliant writer, but that was dam funny
Enjoyed very much.
Why does the majority of the people find this to be funny?
If the guy actually did those things then he was a total douchebag.
If he just made the stuff up for fun…well… that wasn’t fun at all.
If it really happened I feel sorry for the landlord to have such a jerk on her property.
I don’t think this is funny. Perhaps 1 silly letter to the landlord would be amusing. His string of letters simply wastes other people’s time. Landlords have more important things to worry about. If I was a landlord, I wouldn’t renew his lease. He seems like the type of person who will do whatever it takes to get attention.
Stupid.
I’m all for saying and doing funny things, but this isn’t really funny. I really wish that people would reserve the words “brilliant” and “creative” and “clever” for something other than adolescent tactics to get attention. I hope he’s out on the street soon. Maybe his sense of humor would develop then.
Why is everyone so concerned about the landlord?
Qualifications for being a landlord:
Be an unsympathetic, greedy asshole.
It’s just something silly. All the people who feel like the words “brilliant” or “creative” shouldn’t be used for an article that I supposed to be silly, take your head out of your over-intellectual, snobby ass and get over it.
If you don’t like the article, then I suggest you move your mouse to the left hand side of the toolbar and hit the Stumble! button again.
This made me laugh.
This reads very much like a Something Awful article.
I found this to be extremely funny!
Have you ever seen somebody lick the chutney spoon in an Indian Restaurant and put it back? This would never have happened under the Tories.
To all of you stuck-up d-bags with no sense of humor: this was hilarious. Sorry if it doesn’t require a Pullitzer. You see the address bar on the top of your browser? Put something else in there if you don’t want to read the e-mails.
I have a rash and it is starting to puss.
Pft, you people that don’t think this is at least a little bit funny need to get your head out of your ass.
“Oh it wastes the landlords time” ….they’ve got nothing but time.
why are u on this site in the first place ?
LOL it was a good read. He should of said he had some chickens in the tub cause he wanted to eat organic eggs.
That was pretty damn funny, I dont know if he was “Brilliant” or “Hilarious” but it was still funny. All you people who wrote that it wasted the landlords time need to shut the fuck up because, he wasnt trying to please you douche nozzles. Just save it for someone who gives a shit, which wont be anyone because nobody wants to hear your shit, you fucking downers.
Pure chancer !!
That was funny. Next time, I shall write back with these kind of responses to annoying landlords and/or HOA.
Hahaha, this guy is too funny! I need more of this ridiculousness to read.
Hey Bob, dogs like weird things, let them lick the puss of. Mine Does…
LOL. This guy is absolutely hilarious. Absolutely brilliant.
David Thorne’s a freaking enema bag.
(Fixed that little quote for you.)
Hilarious.
I think he’ a little proud of it and he is funny, for an enema bag.
Absolutely hysterical except if you are Helen. Just brings home in a very funny way that our society has come to this. There is a rule or a law about almost everything and we just can’t live anymore without taking out agreements to check if we are violating something. Funny but sad.
this is pretty entertaining i must say
Oh wow, awesome. This man is a legend
As a landlord, I feel I must educate some of the above on just who landlords are. My husband and I scrimped and saved for our first rental unit. We managed to find a reasonable deal on a duplex. While we worked our regular jobs, we had to deal with unreasonable tenants, maintain the unit, pay the taxes, deal with the city, etc., etc. It’s a job, just like any other job. I admit, some landlords can be jerks, but so can some tenants. Hubby and I have tried very hard to live within our means, save some money, manage our time, and while we continue to work our regular jobs increase our rental units. We try to provide decent housing and at a decent price while continuing to maintain our units. We do this so that – hopefully – when we retired we will continue to have a stream of income that will keep us from being dependent upon a government handout or welfare of others, and keep us from being a burden to our children.
I’m sorry that I don’t find this example of idiot tenancy funny. On one level, the guy has a sense of humor, but when I think of dealing with a tenant like this on top of “being a greedy landlord” and working my other job, I realize that there’s a level of hostility that is totally unjustified. It’s easy to criticize others who have something you don’t have, or who you think has some authority over you. Just realize, when a tenant brings a pet onto the property (and we’ve had some do this), the animals have torn up walls and floors that have to be repaired/replaced. Sometimes the smell is almost impossible to remove, which makes it harder to rent to the next tenant. Not all landlords are jerks, not all tenants are blameless, and not all humor is funny.
“They are very small ducks.” – holy crap THATS funny stuff!!!
Imagine getting an official letter accusing you of something you didn’t do.
OUCH!
I would say, “No I didn’t,” and get the usual B.S. reply “yes you did, the burden of proof now lies on you.”
David’s reply:
1. Diffuses the situation because it’s so incredulous. Besides, if it ever DID make to legal proceedings, a judge would throw it out.
2. It states, that the landlord is in the wrong, and allows the lease agency a way out – they did investigate – so, no harm, no fowl. Er, foul.
If I were the landlord, I would have accused him, and asked him to cease, breeding wolves and boar in his apartment.
Where as on one side this is funny — wouldn’t call it brilliant by any means — on the other side you’ve got to consider that the landlord is just trying to do her job.
If any of you have worked in a customer service position and have had someone come in that would not cooperate with you, you’ll see how this kind of situation can get old quick.
Who gives a shit if she’s just trying to do her job, it’s still funny as hell.
Way to stick it to the mannnn.
haha, when all else fails, be confusing.
Very, very confusing.
I wonder if he really had dogs or not.. Dear god, I laughed till I cried!
Why would ducks in Australia fly south for the winter? Wouldn’t they fly north?
You people take the internet too seriously. This is just something to stumble upon and laugh at, no one cares that your a landlord or the fact that you want to point out that this woman is doing her job. Just have a nice laugh and move on with your life.
Damn, this is so funny! I’m doing this on any occasional now! LOL!
This is hilarious! I am choking with laughter. I can’t stop!
Funniest part:
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
Hahaha this has me laughin atm e desk in work hhaha everyone is lokoin at me weirdly hahahaha
David Thorne is my hero! LOLZ
Love the goldfish and the ducks!!! The awesomely very small ducks that are flying south. ^.~