David Thorne Driving His Landlord Crazy
July 30, 2009 by Ted113 Comments
Does anyone remember David Thorne? The same David Thorne that drove his bank’s customer service rep to the edge of mental collapse with the “spider as payment email”, strikes again in this hilarious email exchange between him and his landlord:
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
David Thorne’s a freaking hero. Don’t forget to visit his site too.
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I laght in loud voice at work… hahahaha loved. the ducks in the bathroom are not mine.
way to make everyones life miserable
this is hilarious, i can not stop laughing at this post
Bwhahahah! I couldn’t stop laughing!
Oh shut up. David Thorne has stated “I am in it for my entertainment, not yours” many times. If he wanted you cyr bablies visiting his website he would have a welcoming home page. Instead he tells you to go away. I would too if I had a bunch of complaining knobs like you guys analyzing something that was meant as a throw away joke.
I wish I was this witty…*lol* this is great..thanks for sharing
woei17 – All I can say to you is get a life, if you cant deal with Bad tennents then get rid of your property … SIMPLE, dont come on here winging your head off,, we arent interested in your opinion, Either laugh at the funny article or shut up……. simples
OMG!!! hahahaha sooo amazing!! i could see me doing that, but not as awesome!!! =D lolz!
david thorne sounds like a likeable nut
All right, I have to admit that this is slightly funny. But “brilliant”? Really? To be honest with you, I’m getting just a little bit weary of 30 year old adolescents who watch way too much Adult Swim (which, I have to admit, I watch a LOT of myself) who have no idea how to act like adults. I’m not going to lionize a guy for sitting at his computer giggling to himself, taking his time to formulate a completely random line of B.S. to mess with a woman who’s probably doing nine things at once.
And “sticking it to the mannn”? Once again: REALLY? Since when has some woman who works in an apartment rental complex been promoted to the lofty heights of “TheManDitude”?
Now, if he sent this letter to the I.R.S., it might be a different story.:)
There are “nice” land lords and there are “less nice” landlords. I had some god awful landlords who never fixed anything, didn’t care about the drug dealers out side that sexually harassed females in the building, and who screwed me with move in and move out. I was lied to repeatedly by this landlord and ripped off by them.
But at the end of the day, even if a landlord is personally “nice”, landlord-ism is a fundamentally parasitic relationship. All they do is drive up the cost of housing. They’re unnecessary middle men. If anything, a building manager should be elected and recallable…
The idea of a couple scrimping and saving to afford rental properties to retire on strikes me in no was as fundamentally different from a yeoman farmer 160 years ago scrimping by to purchase his first black slave. A landlord is one who rides the backs of other people so that they don’t have to work as hard. The big real estate people make millions while people work two or three jobs and never see their kids so that they can pay rent and bills.
In case you haven’t noticed the Private, For Profit housing industry just imploded in an orgy of its own greed, and was provided with massive government bailouts. Poor renters without health care go bankrupt when they break a leg.
My anger at the system needs a better outlet than the comment section of this article. Take these words with a grain of salt… but landlordism is an abusrd, feudal concept. Who is a “Lord of the Land”? Free men and women are LORDED OVER by no human. Vive La Revolution!
YAY! David Thorne has a book! http://www.cafepress.com.au/27bslash6.390768719
If this is just a glimpse of what is in the book I am sold.
This was obviously faked. My reason, if this was really David Thorne, who lives in Australia, he would not mention birds flying “south”. Only someone living in the Northern Hemisphere would say that.
@ someone else’s comment: “This is truly great! Forget Hemingway, forget kerouac….this guy is brilliant!”
I hope this is a joke.
If not, you have terribly low standards for brilliance.
How small were the ducks?
If you like this, you’ll love http://www.emailenquiry.blogspot.com
If I was the landlord I would have taped an eviction notice to his door. Once he got his head outta his ass and wrote me an apologetic email (most likely calls me scared and worried), I would have said “just kidding, but seriously, NO PETS JERK-OFF!!!”
If the landlord is @__.com.au, why are the ducks flying south for the winter? In the southern hemisphere, they fly north for the local winter. Just saying.
You know…there aren’t too many things in this world that will actually get me to laughing out loud, but this had me in tears. Maybe it’s the familiarity with the ‘spider payment’ letters he’s written. Don’t care though. I just didn’t want the responses to stop! Keep ‘em coming, David!!!!!
FUNNY!!! Loved it all the ducks, dog noises, seventeen cats, goldfish in the cold! F-ing hilarious!!
http://www.dictionary.com definition of humor:
a comic, absurd, or incongruous quality causing amusement
So, by definition, humor is funny.
I’m sorry you have such a rough time as a landlord. The lady in this story did not HAVE to spend the amount of time she did emailing back and forth. It is pretty simple to determine if someone has a pet by, especially a barking dog, by going to the apartment. It is also obvious that she is not a struggling landlord as you define yourself. Someone hired her, it’s just her job. Who knows, maybe she found it funny and that is why she kept responding?
Finally, please take a vacation. You sound like you need one.
This is the funniest thing I’ve ever stumbled upon, David Thorne kicks ass!!! great stuff!!
I stumbled upon this so if its real or not, love it anyway:
As a landlord myself, I can find the humor in that this Helen lady is an idiot, no contact information other than an email address? WOW! I love how he has responded to her, however his ass would have been out if the rental agreement stated no pets. I love pets and know that it is hard for other animal lovers to find a home for themselves and their animals in terms of renting a home. I have a strict policy of allowing all pets in my houses and apartments. A through investigation of any perspective tenants would reveal some shit head whom has no idea how to train their animals. With that said, bring any animal that you love and is well trained into any of my places, all are welcome – including frozen fish. Rock on David for your ability to completely brush off a dumb landlord, and I hope the ducks (even the small ones) fly safely south – and all of your dogs and stolen property make it through the Iditarod… hehehe loves it!
Brilliant! I’m just sad that he didn’t try the leftover Chinese for a third night… It could have caused more than complete awareness
>woei17 says: I’m sorry that I don’t find this example of idiot tenancy funny.
When rent on a one bedroom flat is lower than the mortgage on a 4 bedroom house, you can join the conversation. Until then, sit in the greedy landlord corner.
I don’t care that he fought with his landlord, but it isn’t that funny. In fact, I think its just stupid. If his emails had some wit or something remotely funny I could appreciate it, but I didn’t even got one laugh at all.
Most junior high school students are too sophisticated to find this funny. If you want humor, read P.G. Wodehouse.
David Thorne’s correspondence reveals to me a sad and angry young man conditioned with the immaturity response of a young teenager. I don’t find his little narrative an example of clever wit but rather a rage against the insignificant. Which maybe says something about me and being 32 next birthday.
I think that anybody, who takes any of these comments seriously, should lighten up. As for you landlords out there, who send letters of accusation to their tenants — I think you should all be hung by your nuts! If anyone living within 25 miles of me sent such a letter, I would group them in the category of douchebags, along with lawyers, politicians, and other bureaucrats. If you haven’t got the balls to face a tenant in person, you don’t deserve any respect.
(to be read for trolling purposes only)
i am a superintendant of a building and i think this is hilarious.i wish my tenants were this inventive instead of the usual bullshit.
David Thorne has a twitter account at: http://twitter.com/27bslash6
WOEL7 wrote:
“As a landlord, I feel I must educate some of the above on just who landlords are.”
You ma’am, are apparently laboring under the mistaken belief that all who find this humorous are cretins. Cretins have virtually no sense of humor, and consequently go into politics.
WOEL7 wrote:
“Not all landlords are jerks, not all tenants are blameless, and not all humor is funny.”
I am willing to bet there is a LOT you don’t find funny. Life is probably fairly bleak for “Hubby.”
This guy is ruthless and very funny. I remember the spider one as well, it was hilarious.
Why would ducks in Australia fly south for the winter…? They’re doomed!
@ the landlord who commented:
definition, humor: a message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity evokes laughter.
So by definition, all humor has to be funny.
Just sayin’.
*snark*
Sincerely yours.
lmao, this man is gold! he’s hilarious
I never comment on these but is sooo funny i had to say.
ill be looking up his website Now
woei17 please for the love of all that’s good and pure in the world develop a sense of humour. You’ll feel much better for it. I promise
at MO
Why would he want to act like an adult? Why does anybody want to act like an adult? People who act silly and don’t take life too seriously are far more interesting than stuffed shirts.
I say bring on the new generation of adult. I wouldn’t half mind getting older if I knew people like David existed in my adult world. have fun. Laugh. You’ll enjoy life much more
i absolutely love this!! and she gave in at the end. the tupperware is hilarious!!
that was freaking funny… for 2 minutes i forgot i am lost in an international airport…. ha ha ha ha ha
woei17,
you sad thing. Life is sooooo serious.
NOT.
get out of your ”motel office” and smell the dogshit.It is humor-challenged robots like you that encourage the likes of David Thorne to try , often in vain, to lift you clowns out of the mundanity of suburban mediocrity. try to find some joy in your life, other than this weeks supermarket discounts.
MO,
it is precisely, precisely, chaps like you , who probably: go to church on Sunday, eat sensibly according to their doctors advice, only occasionally view porn on the internets (and then feel guilty about it for a week), only rarely find some outrage serious enough for you to briefly fumble with the need for an outlet for that flash of outrage, only permit the briefest entertainment of the prospect that all may not be as it has been fed to you, only after you desperately discover the value and saving grace of a healthy sense of the ridiculous , then ,and only then, will sensible , balanced NORMAL people, take even the slightest notice , or give the most basic acknowledgment, of your dull insignificance.
i dont find him funny at all. this tenant is just a time waster, as a landlord, i would probably get the real estate agent to conduct routine inspections (this would be already in the lease he signed) as well as not renewing his lease by either raising the rental high or renovating the house.
Frankly, as a tenant, it doesn’t help trying to be an A hole, because there are so many ways a landlord can shaft you, since you are the one going to put up with the moving around.
Sianz, can you be a little more boring? who cares about all that bs, and yes, it is funny, just because you’re a tight minded doesnt mean is not funny. You must be a really boring person. Sorry for you!! By the way….. David Thorne KICKS ASS!!
woei17… this is meant to be funny, real or not its a joke. I dont find it very mature to spend that much time just to one up someone… on the internet…
This is hilarious by the way i laughed for more than 5 minutes! LOL
so hilarious…why do god want us to die?
I’m a landlord. No, I’m not a greedy, unsympathetic asshole. I found this hilarious, especially the “I experienced total consciousness” part.
If this was my tenant, I’d have a good laugh, but I’d go over and look him in the eye instead of just emailing him.
And no, I don’t have tons of time to read stupid emails, what with a more than a full-time job, a child and a 5-plex that requires more attention than my child.
But I did find this damned funny.
Go figure.
linsay:
I work in customer service. If someone did this to me it would be the highlight of my day
“If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.” A beautiful response utilizing both techniques which seems to be successful. Puppies, egg cartons and small ducks…absolutely brilliant. His relentless responses also seemed to work….