True Story: How To Get Pregnant via Oral Sex
We would say it’s probably the most brutal true story you’ll read today. Doctors would say it’s a case of impregnation via the proximal gastrointestinal tract in a patient with an aplastic distal vagina. May we add that this is not the usual Standard Madness attempt at being humorous, it’s a factual story and we believe that anyone who thinks medical conditions are funny is a lesser human being.
Let’s take it step by step:
Town of Mafeteng, Lesotho – a small town in the Kingdom of Lesotho, a country entirely surrounded by South Africa, where about 40% of the population live below the international poverty line of US$1.25 a day and health care is next to non-existent.
Main characters: A 15 year old girl working at the local bar, her former boyfriend, her current lover, some family members, cattle (yes, cattle)
The initial facts
The 15 year old bar employee was admitted to the Mafeteng Districts Hospital with a stab wound resulting from a fight between her, her current boyfriend and the jealous ex. No one said for sure who stabbed who, but what we know with certainty is that she ended up on a hospital bed with two holes in the stomach as a result of the stabbing. Having fixed the problem as best as they could, the doctors have released her from the hospital along with the two rivals in a matter of ten days, noting that at the time they performed reconstructive surgery on her stomach, there were no gastric contents worthy of attention in her abdominal cavity.
Precisely 278 days later the doctors welcomed the very same patient, the now 16 year old local bar employee, with symptoms that clearly indicated an advanced pregnancy and with the help of the medical personnel she gave birth to 2800 g healthy baby boy.
Nothing too surprising so far and the two hospital admittances are seemingly unrelated. Well, this is where it gets weird.
Medical examinations reveal unusual circumstances
One of them being maybe the fact that the patient had no vagina. The patient’s normal uterus ended in a 2 cm deep vagina and the vagina did not exist more distally. In fact, they had to perform an emergency lower segment caesarian section under spinal anaesthesia to get the baby out of her safely.
Naturally, since the doctors have clearly noted that a normal conception of a baby was physically impossible and they were circumspect to believe the religious angle, they had one woman nurse investigating the only reasonable explanation left: the accident angle, so perhaps this is the first time in history when Mommy, it was an accident I swear is a plausible excuse.
The full story (short)
The patient was well aware of the fact that she had no vagina and she had started oral experiments after disappointing attempts at conventional intercourse over a number of failed relationships. At the time the fight that brought her into the hospital in the first place started, she was actually offering oral pleasure to her newly found boyfriend, when she was caught in the act by her very jealous former recipient of such treatments.
The fight that lead to the stabbing started and she was brought into the hospital for the aforementioned surgery. The reason why doctors did not find any unusual content in her stomach was that those residues were actually dropped into her reproductive organs via her gastrointestinal tract and fertilized her during her very first period ever. In other words, to resort to a very visual description, her guts were pierced and she dripped sperm into her uterus.
The chances of that happening, doctors say, are infinitely small as if she wasn’t at her very first period at that time, had eaten something else, had a deficit of water, not get stabbed in the exact same spot and countless other ‘ifs’ that baby would never have been conceived.
The presumed father admitted to the paternity of his newly born baby, much of it being the fact that there were obvious appearance similarities between him and his son. The young mother, her family, and the likely father adapted themselves rapidly to the new situation and some cattle changed hands to prove there were no hard feelings, a local tradition that shows unity between two families.